Remembering Pulse
The banner was purchased at the Pulse Memorial, the print was purchased at the Lake Eola Farmer's Market in Orlando, FL.
On June 12, 2016 I woke up to news that something happened at Pulse. As more information came out the magnitude of what happened really hit. I spent the day checking in on friends who I knew liked to go there, making sure everyone was okay.
I’m from Florida originally and before I moved to the mid-Atlantic I attended college in Orlando and lived there for about six years. Orlando is where I came out, where I began more fully exploring my spiritual path, and where I started the long process of figuring out who I wanted to be. While I may have been physically born in South Florida, the person who I am today started in Orlando. In that way I see that city see as my home.
In the summer of 2018 I finally had the ability to go back to Orlando and the first thing I did was go to Pulse. I wasn’t able to write about that experience for a couple of weeks because of how raw it was, but I eventually wanted to share my experience with friends and family. On this fourth memorial of this assault on our community I want to share this experience with you.
"Two weeks ago I was in Orlando and went to the Pulse Interim Memorial.
I knew it was going to be tough, but damn. It was the first time I've been back to Orlando since the shooting and, after getting lunch leaving the airport, I knew the first place I needed to go was Pulse.
I can't describe what it felt like to see a place I have a lot of memories in boarded up and ringed by a wall of photos and flowers and flags and messages written to the victims. There are spots in the wall where they put up plexiglass so you can see the actual club and the damage - the wall first responders knocked down to get inside - along with timestamps of when in the night what you were looking at took place.
What hurt the most was seeing the messages written in marker on the Pulse sign or on the flags or poster-sized pictures of the victims. Some of the messages were old and faded, but most of them were new. A lot of them were from parents.
"Siempre serás mi bebé - Mami"
That's what was written, recently, on a Pride flag next to the picture of one of the victims. Up until that point I was stoically, silently crying behind my sunglasses, but reading that fucking broke me. I was a mess. I'm trying not to cry in my office remembering what it felt like to read that.
Joe and I placed flowers at the Memorial. We signed the electronic guestbook. We bought shirts and a car magnet and the banner in my picture below at a kiosk to help support the onePulse Foundation.
The kiosk was being staffed by a former Pulse bartender. We chatted for a bit and when I mentioned I used to live up the street and Pulse was one of the first gay clubs I went to after coming out and the Wendy's across the street where they dragged the wounded and dying was a frequent stop on my way home from work and I hadn't been back to Orlando since the shooting they said I looked familiar.
"Thank you for coming back home."
That's what the bartender said as I collected what Joe and I bought and were leaving. Those words hung on me like a weight and like a hug and like an open wound. I managed to make it back to the car before breaking down again.
Other than living through that visit with Joe this is the first time I've been able to "talk" about it. And even then I had to close my office door because I knew I was going to cry. I have nothing but respect for my Orlando brothers and sisters who need to drive by this open wound in our collective psyche almost every day, I can't imagine the strength it takes to do that.
Visiting the Pulse Interim Memorial was something I was afraid of doing, but something I still needed to do. Being back there shifted something inside me and I'm still not sure what. I know I'm more tired and have less time to be civil with folks who think the validity of my existence and right to safety is an "opinion". And I'm more driven to be there to support my gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, transgender, non-binary, genderfluid, pansexual brothers and sisters in any way I can."
#onePulse #OrlandoStrong
